♥OMFG♥ [entries|friends|calendar] ♥TyraMICHELLE links info recent calendar add me about me Name: TyraMichelle;; Age: 15 I Am A: Grrrl Status: inlove;; Likes: ♥Justin♥. Kelly♥. blazing. laughng. pictures. dancing. coloring. bubbles. hair. movies. music. xxx. guns. booze. cigarettes. bruises. OKAY!!!??? Dislikes: stepdad. when Justin doesnt call. boredom. when no one cool is online. when no one calls me. when no one texts me. when no one comments *hint hint*. school. distance (MA && FL). OKAY!!??? $%@#$%*&# [[RAD.]] "virgin"<3 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[2/19/06 @ 5:45pm] [ mood | full ] [ music | sean paul ] i'm done. new lj. www.livejournal.com/users/DINOxROBOT ::add it:: new screen name. DINOxROBOT ::add it:: next is a new myspace. [ my attempt to phase you out is nearly complete. ] 000 cmnt

[2/19/06 @ 4:43pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | mary j ] wow. there's just so much... just so much stuff going on. i'm making a new journal. this one.. this one has too many memories. i guess. 000 cmnt

[2/17/06 @ 11:13am] i go to the bathroom and i turn on the shower and take off my clothes and drop them in a pile on the tile floor. i walk over to the mirror. i want to see myself i want to look into the pale green of my eyes and see not my physical self, but the self that lives beneath. i look at my lips. they are slightly swollen, but almost normal. i look at the stitches and the hole. the hole is starting to heal and the stitches are doing their job. i look at my nose. i take the bandages off and i throw them away. my nose is straight, though there is a new bump along its ridge. i look at the area beneath my eyes. the black is starting to fade and it's turning yellow, the swelling is nearly gone. i start to look up. i wan tto look into the pale green of my eyes. i want to see not my physical self, but the self that lives beneath. i move closer. i want to look into the pale green in my eyes. to see what's underneath. closer closer. i can't do it. no fucking way. i turn away and i walk to the shower and i am pummeled by the heat. it burns me and it turns my skin red and it hurts but i won't step away form it. i deserve this hurt for not being brave enough to look at myself. i deserve this hurt and i will stand and i will take it because i am not brave enough to look into my own eyes. when i get numb, i add the cold and i sit down on the floor and i let the water run over my body and soothe the burns. the burning is tiring and the cold tires me more. i close my eyes and i let my body shut itself down and i let my mind wander. it wanders to a familiar place. a place i don't talk about or acknowledge exists. i place where there is only me. a place that i hate. i am alone. alone here and alone in the world. alone in my heart and alone in my mind. alaone everywhere, all the time, for as long as i can rememeber. alone with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. alone when i wake, alone through each awful day, alone when i finally meet the blackness. i am alone in my horror. alone in my horror. i don't want to be alone. i have never wanted to be alone. i fucking hate it. i hate that i have no one to talk to, i hate that i have no one to call, i hate that i have no one to hold my hand , hug me, tell me everything is going to be alright. i hate that i have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with, i hate that i no longer have any hopes or dreams. i hate that i have no one to tell me to hold on, that i can find them again. i hate that when i scream, and i scream bloody murder, that i am screaming into emptiness. i hate that there is no one to hear me scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. i hate that what i have turned to in my loneiness lives in a pipe and a bottle. i hate that what i have turned to in my loneiness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon. i hate that i will die alone. i will die alone in my horror. More than anything, all i have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all i have ever wanted is to feel as if i wasn't alone. i have tried many times to kill my loneliness with a boy and it was never right. we would be together and close to each other, but no matter how close we were, i still felt alone. they felt that loneiness and it made them back away to keep their egos and to keep themselves from getting hurt by me. and as soon as they distanced themselves far enough i would either run away or did something to destroy what we felt for each other. i can run fast when i want to run fast and i've always been good at destroying things. The last one was the only one who made me feel the way i always wanted to feel. He made me feel better than i have ever felt, better than i imagined i could feel, and it scared me. scared me to the point of paralysis. when he offered himself to me, i failed. that failure drove me to destruction. I destroyed him, i destroyed myself, destroyed the two of us together. i destroyed the hope of a future. he will not speak my name now, nor will he acknowledge my existence. I don't blame him. i start talking to an old friend. a dear old friend. i speak. hello. how are you? how have you been doing? what's new? My voice reverberates in the shower and i feel stupid, but i keep talking. I miss you. I wish you were here. I haven't seen or spoken to him on over a decade. you have been on my mind a lot lately. I say. I may see you soon. I say. Please be there when I arrive. I say. I'm looking forward to spending time together. It has been so long. Over a decade. It has been far too long. 000 cmnt

[2/9/06 @ 10:46am] i have been to the "meetings" before and they left me in the cold. i find the philosophy to be one of replacement. replacement of one addiction with another addiction. replacement of a chemical for a god and a meeting. the meetings themselves made me sick. too much whining, too much complaining, too much blaming. too much bullshit about higher powers. there is no higher power or any God who is responsible for what i do and for what i have done and for who i am. there is no higher power or any God who will cure me. there is no meeting where any amount of whining, complaining, and blaming is going to make me feel any better. I am an Alcoholic and a Drug Addict and a Criminal. I am worse than i have ever been in my life. I am somewhere, where i have been admitted to a Clinic for my problems. if i leave the Clinic my family and my remianing friends will write me off. if i leave the Clinic my options are limited to death or jail. i'm alone and it's the middle of the m=night and i don't wan to go back to the Medical Unit and i can't sleep. I want a drink. I want fifty drinks. I want a pipe and some rock. I want a long fat line of meth, I want ten hits of acid, a tube of industrial-stregnth glue. Give me a bottle of pills, give me some pot laced with PCP. Give me something. Anything. I need to get out of here. if not in body, at least in mind. i need to get the fuck out of here. I pick up a book. i know it won't hurt me and i know that i have nothing to lose. i begin reading. it starts with a docotr's note, written by an expert on addiction. the doctor says that profound alcoholism is basically incurable. he says the only thing he knows of that will get someone sober and keep them sober is AA. I read the rest of the book, which is mostly about the Twelve Steps. there are chapters with titles like, There is a Solution, How it Works, Into Action, and Vision for You. it is all very simple. if you do what the book says, you will be cured. if you follow their righteous path, that path will lead you straight to redemption. If you join the club, you're the lucky winner of a lifelong supply of bullshit meetings full of whinning, complaining and blaming. Praise Be the Glory. i want to get down on my knees. Praise Be the Glory Hallelujah. Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a dentist, one by a salesman, one by an educated Agnostic. They were all alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Step, they all got better. as with most testimonials like that i've read or heard or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no lnger drinking or doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on the avoidance, discussion, and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing. Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction. Addictions need fuel. i am not convinced that meetings and a Dogma and i God can fuel mine. If what the doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining the AA is the only way to cure me, then i'm completely fucked. fucked fucked fucked. 000 cmnt

[2/4/06 @ 8:33pm] [ mood | happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ] so yeah. i'm at james' house right now. [ hints the fact that i'm on here. ] life's not too bad right now =] (x 100000000000000000000) 000 cmnt

[1/28/06 @ 10:47am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | eisley ] so so so. where to begin. my internet has broken. again. fuck. i need to get it fixed soon though. for school work and all that. (hah. yeah right.) uhm. some shit went down. er- justin and i aren't together anymore. sad story, though. i'm trying to deal. but...yeah. what the fuck ever. last night james matt kelly and i went out to the movies again. we hung around the subway and found our place and did our thing. it was a lot of fun. i really really enjoyed myself. i took some pictures. i'll post them later. that's pretty much it. uhm. i miss him.// i don't know what to do. i guess i'll just...wait. or something. //? 006 cmnt

[1/23/06 @ 2:05pm] [ mood | disappointed ] im so fucking sick. I sit alone at a table. it's dark and i don't know where i am or how i got here. there are bottles of liquor and wine everywhere and on the table in front of me is a large pile of white cocaine and a huge bag of yellow crack. there is also a torch, a pipe, a tube of glue and an open can filled with gasoline. I look around me. there is blackness, there is alcohol, there are drugs. There is an abdunance of all of them. i know i'm alone and there is no one to stop me. i know i can do as much as i want of whatever i want. As i reach for one of the bottles, something inside of me tells me to stop, that what i'm doing is wrong, that i can't do it anymore, that i'm killing myself. I reach anyway. I grip the bottle, bring it to my lips and take a long deep draw that burns my mouth, my throat and my stomach. For the briefest instant I feel complete. The pain i carry with me disappears. i feel comfortable and at rest, confident and secure, calm and composed. i feel good. goddamnit, i feel fucking good. the feelings are gone as quickly as they came and i want them back. i don't care what i have to do, what i have to take, what i have to endure. i'll do anything. i just want them to come back. i take another drink. it doesn't work. i grab a different bottle, take a larger drink. it doesn't work. i seize bottle after bottle, take drink after drink, nothing works. instead of feeling better, i feel increasingly worse. everything i felt that was good has become bad and it has been magnified beyong any point of reference or comprehension. my only option is to try and kill. kill what hurts. kill it. i switch to the drugs. i take a deep breath and i bury my face in the pile of coke and i inhale and nostrils turn to fire and the back of my throat becomes an inferno. i take a breath, inhale, take a breath, inhale, take a breath, inhale. too much too fast my nose starts bleeding. i wipe the blood away and i take a breath and i inhale. i do it again. the killing has started, but i'm not close to being done. i rip open the bag of crack and i pull out a handful of small yellow rocks. i wipe the blood again and i snatch the pipe, which is a long straight piece of glass and a screen filter and i start stuffing rocks into it. i fill it, wipe the blood again, fire up the torch, put the pipe in my mouth, bring the white flame to its tip. i inhale. hot peppermint honey mixed with napalm followed by a rush a thousandfold stronger than the purest powder, a thousandfold more dangerous. i hold and the rush gains speed and the power and it grows, consumes and overwhelms me. i feel good again, perfect, magnificent and invincible, like the power of every orgasm i've ever had, could ever have and ever will have has been concentrated into a single moment. Oh my God, i'm coming. Oh my fucking God, i'm coming. let it come let it come let it come let it come. let it fucking come. it's gone as fast as it came and i know it's gone for good, replaced by fear, dread and a murderous rage. any pretense of expieriencing pleasure disappeared. i grab rocks, stuff the pipe, hit. i grab rocks, stuff the pipe, hit. the tourch is white and the glass is pink and i feel the skin on my fingers bubbling but it doesn't bother me. i grab rocks, stuff the pipe, hit. i do it until the bag is empty and then i stiff the bag into the pipe and i smoke the plastic. i have a murderous rage and i need to kill. kill my heart, kill my mind, kill myself. there is glue and there is gasoline and i want them both. i grab the glue and i put the end of the tube below my nose and i lay a thick line on the skin between my nostrils and my lip. each breath brings the stench of Hell and death, each breath brings on the desire for more. i am killing quickly and efficiently now, but not quickly or efficiently enough. i lean over and place my nose just above the shimmering surface of the gasoline and i stare into the face of chemical annihilation. this face is my friend, my enemy, and my only option. i take it. Breathe in, breath out, go faster and faster and faster and faster. i don't feel anything anymore or what i do feel is so powerful that my mind and my body are incapable of allowing it to register. i am comfortable here. this is what i want, what i need and what i must have, and this is where i have been living the last few years of my life. 001 cmnt

[1/22/06 @ 4:55pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | hklasdasdiltg ] im watching the denver vs pitsburg game. 24 to 3. steelers. fuck.   sam called me all night last night and serveral times today. ugh. screw off. i don't want to talk to you. i don't want to hang out with you. i don't care if you're in town. and treating me like shit isn't going to make me change my mind. she just doesn't get the hint. i don't like you. there's a lizard somewhere in my room. it chased me last night. and everytime i got up last night i felt like i was on drugs. major drugs. it was scary. oh yeah. and i'm not sick from the Cs anymore. =] and i still have a box to do this week. yesssssssssss. i hope i can go to chantels friday. i havent been over there in forever. hah. and then some. things are pretty good. ( finally. ) 000 cmnt

[1/21/06 @ 11:54am] [ mood | anxious ] i'm tired. i'm nervous. i'm sick. I'm shaky. i'm sad. i'm scared. i'm hurt. i'm dissapointed. i'm worried. i'm lonely. i just don't know what to do with myself. when i think about it, last night was both great and dissapointing. i'm quitting. that's that. =/ 000 cmnt

[1/20/06 @ 11:32pm] [ mood | &&tired;; ] [ music | ////////////////////////////////////// ] yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. tonight was well worth the wait. james, kelly, matt and i went to the movies. (in his to die for mustang, mind you.) we visited a field. played tag. we stood around at the movies for a long time and finally james bought us all tickets to see Fun with Dick and Jane. before the movie started, justin called me and we talked for a little bit. then we saw the movie and i laughed pretty hard, but i cant say i was too impressed. i've seen better jim carrey movies. but anyways, then we went to Moes and got fooooooooooooood. james bought. i felt bad. but then we ate and it was a lot fo fun. kelly got a lot of video. hah. james drove kelly and i home. now we're just sitting here and its been a really good night. im glad i finally got to hang out with those boyyyyyyyyyys.♥ they're as good as they come. you have no idea.// ( doyouthinktheyknowwe're... ) 000 cmnt

[1/20/06 @ 1:43pm] [ mood | illegal ] [ music | &^%$&^%$&^ ] We walk past the Lecture Hall and through a maze of carpeted corridors and we enter a small bare white room with two chairs and a table. Ken sits down and i sit down. On the table in front of us is a large stapled booklet and a form answer sheet and a pencil. Ken speaks. It's a very simple test. All of the questions are true or false, you can take as long as you want to answer them. When you're fininshed come back to my Office and if I'm not there, leave your responses on my desk. A staff Psycologist will analyze everything and in two days we'll go over the results together. alright. Any questions? no. Ken leaves and I grab the pencil and the answer sheet and I open the booklet and I start reading it. The pages are filled with questions and I begin answering them. I am a stable person. False. I think the world is aligned against me. False. I think my problems are caused by others. False. I don't trust anybody. False. I hate myself. True. I often think of death. True. Suicide is a reasonable option. True. My sins are unpardonable. I stare at the question. My sins are unpardonable. I stare at the question. My sins are unpardonable. I leave it blank. I finish five hundred and sixty-six of the five hundred and sixty-seven true-or-false questions of the test and I close the booklet and I lay down my pencil and I take a deep breath. Hours have passed and I am exhausted and I want a drink. Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, bourbon, scotch. I don't care. Just give me a drink. A nice strong alcoholic drink. I tell myself that I only want one but I know it's not ture. I want fucking fifty. 002 cmnt

[1/19/06 @ 6:32pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | ne-yo ] last night wasn't so great. justin and i have pretty much come to terms that we're going to be breaking up when he goes to college. it's hard. this whole day has been hard. i can't stop thinking about it and i freak out when i do. but i don't want to ruin the time we have left with being all sad and worried. i just don't want to think about it. i just don't want to waste my time and energy. today was pretty good. (besides almost crying my eyes out several times). tomorrow should be good. i'm ready for some good days. i've realized that i have a lot of people who care about me. i am so thankful for that.   oh yeah. and i prayed last night... i don't know what that means.. but i did. =/   ( super mega ultra chicken ) 000 cmnt

[1/19/06 @ 1:23pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | eisley ] Are you settling in okay? yeah. Anything we can do to make you more comfortable? no. We need some more information to round out your file. Do you mind answering a few questions? no. He picks up a pen. When did you start using drugs and alcohol? i started drinking at ten, doing drugs at twelve. And when did you start using heavily? at fifteen i was drinking every day, at eighteen i was drinking and doing drugs everyday. Do you black out? yes. How often? every day. How long has this been happening? four or five years. Do you get sick? every day. How often? when i wake up, when i have my first drink, when i have my first meal, and a few more time after that. How many times is a few? anywhere from three to seven. How long has this been happening? four or five years. Do you ever contemplate suicide? yes. Have you ever attempted? no. Have you ever been arrested? yes. How many times? twelve or thirteen. For what? all kinds of shit. Such as? possession, possession with intent to distribute, three DUIs, a bunch of vandalism and descruction of property charges, assult, assult with a deadly weapon, assulting an officer of the law, public drunkeness, disturbing the peace. I'm sure there's some other shit, but i don't rememeber exactly what. Are any of them still outstanding? most of them. Where? michigan, ohio and north carlolina. Have you been going to court? no. Are you out on Bail? i skipped bail. Where? everywhere. Why? i've been to jail. i don't like it and i don't want to go back. You're going to have to deal with the charges at some point. i know. We'll encourage you to do it while you're here. Or at least start the process. i'll think about it. How have you been making a living? selling drugs. That will have to stop. i know. Have you ever been to Treatment before? no. Why not? I was never willing to go. i told my parents that if they tried to put me in i'd leave and they'd never see me again. they believed me. He pauses and sets down his pen. Do you want to get sober? i think so. You think so? yeah. Does that mean yes? it means i think so. Why? my life is hell, has been hell for too long. if i keep going i'm going to die. i'm not sure i want to be dead yet. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? ...i don't know. 000 cmnt

djgvdkjfk [1/17/06 @ 8:53pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | the faint ] kdjfljkvluidfb so yeah. he's online and has been for about an hour. i get on. see him. wait. and get sick to my stomach because he doesn't im me. oh yeah. and he took my name off of his profile. shoot me in the face. shoot me right in the face. </3 fuck,.// =[ x 1000000000000000 he blew it. 000 cmnt

[1/16/06 @ 1:15pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | thursday ] I need to ask you some questions. alright. I also need to check your blood pressure and your pulse. alright. What type of substances do you use? alcohol. Every day? yes. What time do you start drinking? when i wake up. How much per day? as much as i can. How much is that? enough to make myself look like i do. Do you use anyting else? cocaine. How often? every day. How much? as much as i can. In what form? lately crack, but over the years, in every form that it exists. Anything else? pills, acid, mushrooms, meth, PCP, and glue. How often? when i have it. How often? a few times a week. When was the last time you used? a little while ago. What and how much? i drank a bottle of vodka. How does that compare to your normal daily dosage? it doesn't. 000 cmnt

[1/15/06 @ 12:59pm] [ mood | whoawhoawhoa<33333 ] [ music | the faint ]   i've been gone for what? 3 days? i miss home. well, no. i miss the comfort of my own room and my own bed and my own friends. i guess kelly has been all over the place doing all kinds of things. i am so jealous. but in good news, i don't miss justin. i miss him but it's not like that feeling i get where i can't seem to function at all without him. i'm getting better. yay for me. last night we went to this bar and i was hoping that my sister. (she was a sister by marriage, but she was still a sister at one point and still is in my head) but she was at a basketball game. better luck next time. I've been thinking about summer. kelly will have her lisence and hopefully i wont have to stay at home. i've had this craving inside of me. i want to do so many things. just totally ruin myself.   yeah. im ( happeeeeeeee ).//   who cares. 000 cmnt

this isn't as good sober./// [1/15/06 @ 10:44am] [ mood | tired ] I realize that i'm cold and i snap open my eyes. the room is dark and quiet. a clock near John's bed reads 6:15. I sit up and rub my body and i shiver. goose bumps cover my arms and i'm scared. i'm scared of my dream, scared of the morning, scared of myself, scared to deal with myself, scared of the day that lies ahead, scared out of my mind. i'm scared and i'm alone and it's early in the morning and no one is awake yet. i get out of bed and i walk to the bathroom and i take a shower and i dry myself off and the pain hits me and i drop to my knees and i crawl to the toilet and i get sick. the sickness is worse than usual. thicker, bloodier, more chunks of stomach, more painful. each wrenching ejection burns my throat and sends a sharp pain through my chest and makes me feel as if i'm choking. it makes me feel as if i'm choking and i almost wish i was because then it would stop. i just want it to stop. the sickness ends and i sit down on the floor and i lean back against the front of the toilet. waves of emotion begin streaming through me and i can feel the welling of tears. everything that i know and that i am and everything that i've done beings flashing before my eyes. my past, my present, my future. my friends, my enemies, my friends who have become enemies. where i've lived, where i've been, what i've seen, what i've done. what i've ruined and what i've destroyed. i start to cry. tears begin running down my face and quiet sobs escape me. i don't know how things ever got this bad. i try to find answers but they aren't there. i'm too fucked up to have answers. i'm too fucked up for anything. the tears come harder and the sobs become louder and i curl up on the tile floor and i hug myself. i hug myself and i wait and it's morning and i'm somewhere i've never been before and i haven't gotten fucked up in several days and i don't know what the fuck is happening to me. 000 cmnt

a million little pieces [1/14/06 @ 1:10pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | love drug ] The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel. I broke something, Old Man. How badly is it broken? It's in a million little pieces. I'm afriad I can't help you. Why? There's nothing you can do. Why? It can't be fixed. Why? It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces. 002 cmnt

[1/7/06 @ 10:54pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | eisley ] he makes me really sad sometimes. =[ //fuck\\. 003 cmnt

[12/5/05 @ 7:59pm] [ mood | lonely ] God i miss him. Even though he's just left... It's never ever long enough. &&it's driving me insane. 000 cmnt

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